I have horrible nightmares every day or every week. At night, I dream of traveling back to my childhood. So whenever I'm awake, I immediately draw what's in my mind. Maybe the memory is confused, and I will try my best to present the picture in the dream.
I was pinned down by a black cloud of sky fire, and I couldn't move. I see a path to light ahead. But I couldn't move forward. Because I was afraid of falling into the black flames.This is what my spiritual world looks like.Black flames surround my frame. I show this feeling in my work.
15.05.2021
I felt pain. I was burned by black flames, and I struggled so hard that my bones broke. I saw my bones coming out of my body.
I cried and begged my mother not to pull my bones out.So the elements I use in my work are black charcoal. Charcoal is also made of flame
17.05.2021
Right now, my world is upside down. I was abandoned in a primeval forest, desperately calling for my mother. But she actually left me here. This is to punish me for getting my pants dirty.
26.05.2021
This night I dreamed the most real scene. Because I accidentally dropped the food on the table. Oil stains ran on the table. I was taught by my mother with chopsticks. Then the dream jumps to the scene where SHE whips me with a belt. A lot of red marks on her body. There will be bruising on the joints.
Every time I touched my bruised skin with my fingers, I felt blood pooling under it.
I woke up from a nightmare this morning.
I kept switching between different scenes in my dream.
I was slapped in the face and my cheek was red and swollen.
I want to speak, but I'm being held back.
I want to ask my father for protection...
But I was afraid of being found out by my mother.
That's why fear is so prevalent throughout my work.
My work has always implied that I am bound by a relationship.
I want to give up, but I can't.
11.06.2021
This is a fragment of my memory, because it is not very clear, only remember red high heels and a broken teddy bear and a hand for help.
02.07.2021
Because every time the memory of the day before gets messed up.
I will further strengthen my dream memories.
So I painted my horrible memories on canvas in as much detail as possible.
Every time I get hit, I cry secretly.
Tried to fight back
The relationship between mother and child. I blurred the whole picture of the characters through constant daubing.
I prayed that mom wouldn't beat me up.
Red is not only because of our traditional culture, but also because once my mother took a red high-heeled shoe and broke my forehead
Bear was the only doll I had in my childhood, but my mother used to beat me with it. Even though it and a lot of broken, but I still like it.
The chopsticks in my mom hand. Sometimes it is a tool for eating, sometimes it is a tool for punishing
It is a big tree with many branches. I think big trees are the same as people. Every branch of the tree is a story or a life, and every branch of the tree is also full of unknowns. But they all come from the same root. So I incorporated this idea into my own work. It seems that every picture is every event and story. But they're all connected to each other. This makes my work narrative.
Childhood
charcoal and oil painting on canvas 200cmX200cm 2021.08.29
Bad childhood memories take a lifetime to erase. I've been in pain every day for the last 25 years. I'm afraid of mother. I hate to see her. My feelings are mixed. My inner world is ninety percent dark. When I see a lot of things, I can't help darkening them. Both formally and spiritually. Only the remaining fraction is my hope. Because I want to get out of the pain zone. Those extended tentacles are my nightmare. The black mark is my fear. Those tentacles extend to many places. The only animals and plants that bring me happiness are the happiest. so my world is a tangled web of relationships. I couldn't organize my thoughts clearly because my pictures looked so cluttered.